30 4 / 2012
We step out into the cold, brisk air and I feel Louis shivering beside me.
“I’m just gonna go in and grab a jac-” he begins to tell me, but I pull him away from the door of the hotel and down the street.
He grunts, and I ignore him. But after a few steps, I come to an abrupt stop.
Louis yanks his hand away from me and demands, “What the heck are we doing out here at this time, Zayn?”
“I need to find that girl,” I whisper, suddenly taking in that there are three reasons why we will never find her.
- This city is huge.
- We don’t know our way around.
- Why would she come out looking for me too? She’s probably sleeping in or out with some friends.
Lou comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder.
“Are you ever going to tell me about this girl?” he asks, and I realize that he still has no idea what girl I’m talking about.
“I met her here when we were filming the One Thing video. Well, I didn’t really meet her, but I gave her a hug and told her she was beautiful. Then we had to go keep filming, and I never saw her again,” I explain.
“Zayn, are you serious? She’s just a stupid girl! You give tons of hugs to girls every day! How do you even remember her?” Louis says, trying to keep his voice down.
I look down. I can’t answer. From his point of view, it does sound stupid. He will never understand, he just doesn’t care.
“Whatever Zayn, I’m going back in,” he says coldly, and turns back toward the door.
“Wait!” I jump up. “Lou, you don’t get it. I know you don’t give a shit if I meet a nice girl, but I do, and you should since you’re one of my best friends. She needs me, and I need her. It’s that simple. We had a connection, Lou, and I know that she’s the perfect one for me, and I’m the perfect one for her.” I calm down a bit, realizing that I’m almost yelling. “Please,” I beg. “Just… please,”
He looks back at the door, considering. It doesn’t take long before he turns back to me, and mumbles, “Fine. Where are we going?”
It finally sinks in that I don’t have a plan. I haven’t thought this far.
“This way,” I say, leading him down the street.
“And Lou,” I turn back, “Thanks.”
He mumbles something and signals for me to keep walking.
* * * * *
It’s not long before our phones come alive. We’re at some amusement park when my phone blows up.
“It’s Niall,” I say.
Louis is about to say something when his own starts ringing, this time Harry.
“They’re gonna make us come back,” I say, disappointed.
“We never told them we were going, we should at least let them know we’re okay,” Louis says.
“But they’ll make us come back!” Now Liam’s calling me.
We stand there, not knowing what to do, while the boys keep texting and calling us.
Louis gives me a sympathetic look before picking up whoever was calling.
“Hello? Ya we’re at the amusement park. But- fine,” He hangs up and shrugs. “Sorry.”
“Whatever Lou,” I say, shoving past him and walking down the street. I walk back alone, even though he’s only a few paces behind me.
What a friend he is. I knew he wouldn’t understand, I should’ve just went alone.
We make it back to the hotel. As I open the heavy doors, he catches up to me.
“Dude, I said I’m sorry!” he tells me.
“Obviously you’re not Louis! If you were, you would’ve come with me right away, you wouldn’t have picked up, and you would’ve at least acted like you cared!” I ran up to the elevator to take me up to our floor, making sure the door closed before he got to it.
When I came to our floor, I was immediately greeted by Niall.
“Hey man! Where were you?” he asks.
I shrug him off, and run down to my room.
I feel bad about being rude to Niall, but I’m still furious at Louis and his stupidity.
He must’ve stayed with Niall, Harry, and Liam for a bit because he didn’t come back. I sat there on the couch, trying to calm myself down. Somewhere, buried inside of all my anger towards Louis, a seed of realization comes to me.
You are never going to see her again.
22 4 / 2012
The cool air floods my lungs as we step out the door. I take a deep breath and remind myself, Stay calm, Kelly. You can do this.
Julie immediately takes off down the road, and I have no choice but to follow her.
“Where exactly are we going Julie?” I ask, hoping she will have planned this far ahead.
“Think about it Kelly, if you came to London for a vacation or something, where would you want to visit?”
Good point. I think about it for a minute, considering a few different places.
“I guess… hmm… I don’t know… the zoo?”
“Well then let’s start there!” Julie says excitedly, starting to walk faster as she pulls me along.
* * * * *
“Well that was pointless,” I say disappointed on our way out of the zoo.
“But it was a good start!” Julie tells me. “Lets think of some more places!”
Why does she always have to be so darn positive!? I can’t help thinking. But I move on.
“Ooh I know! Let’s go to the National Park!” she suggests.
“Alright,” I say, sounding less energetic than I’m trying to.
* * * * *
“Okay Julie! That’s enough! We’ve been everywhere, and we’re obviously not going to find them!” I say loudly, trying really hard not to scream at her.
I can’t take it anymore. I don’t care if we never find them. I don’t. I’ll find Jason again, I’m sure that there was something between us. Zayn is just another stupid obstacle in the world of love.
Julie looks down. She looks like a child who was just told that Santa Claus isn’t real. There’s a part of me that feels bad for her, that makes me want to keep looking just to make her happy.
But then there’s that other part, the more dominant one, that’s telling me it’s time to give up, and if I can get over it, Julie can. Why is she even this excited? She met them! She wasn’t pulled away! She doesn’t need them! She should be fine! But why isn’t she? I can’t figure her out!
“Lets just go home, okay?” I say, trying to show her that I’m just as sad as she is, but also that I feel bad.
She nods her head and we put our arms around each other, walking back to my house.
When we get back to my house, I decide to let her stay the night, we can watch some old movies and eat ice cream.
I lend her a pair of pyjama pants and I grab one for myself and we put them on. After I grab some ice cream from the freezer and two forks, not spoons, we settle on the downstairs couch and have a marathon of old romantic comedies, eventually falling asleep.
22 4 / 2012
“That’s what makes you beautiful,” I sing out. I’m in London, performing for a huge crowd of screaming girls. It’s really great here, the fans are just crazy. I look out over their heads and am amazed at how big the arena is.
We sold out this arena in less than two minutes. These fans are amazing, is all I can think. And then I see her.
Sanding out in the middle of the crowd, her blonde hair is shining as she screams her head off and sings along. It’s the girl. I stare straight at her as the song comes to an end, and she nudges her friend with a hopeful look in her eye.
I jump down off the stage and run toward her. The boys are giving me are-you-crazy looks, and security is running after me. But there’s nothing in the world that can come between us. I reach out to her and pull her into my arms.
“Hello, you beautiful woman.” I whisper in her ear.
* * * * *
I wake up with a start. That’s it! That’s it!
I look over and see that Louis is awake.
We landed in London last night, and Louis and I ended up sharing a hotel room together.
“That’s it Louis, that’s it!” I scream out, I can barely contain myself.
“What are you talking about Zayn?”
He must’ve just woke up too, but he’s certainly not as energetic as me.
“The girl! It’s the girl!” I don’t have time to explain. I jump up and run over to where I left my suitcase last night, pulling out an old t-shirt and some sweats.
Ever since I heard about going to London, I’ve been super excited. I couldn’t place a finger on it, but it was almost as if something good would happen there, or something special was waiting for me there. And that special thing is the girl.
I never got her name, but I saw her in London when we were filming the One Thing music video. She was insecure, and I could just tell. But she was beautiful. I couldn’t get her off my mind for the rest of the week. I was dragged away from her, and it was the worst feeling in the world. At least I got to tell her she’s beautiful.
Louis looks at me confused, but shrugs it off and turns over.
“Oh no, you don’t,” I tell him, yanking the blankets off of him.
“Get up, get dressed, you’re coming with me.” I demand.
I make sure he’s up before I run to the bathroom. I quickly put my clothes on and then stand in front of the mirror.
Okay Zayn, make your hair look good in as least time possible. I’ve done it before, I know what to do. Within 10 minutes I’m done.
Crap, I need to look a bit better if I might actually see her again!
I grab a pair of jeans instead, and find a letterman jacket. After I put those on, I feel a bit more confident.
Louis’ dressed now too, wearing a random striped shirt and a pair of jeans as well.
“Let’s go let’s go let’s go!” I grab his hand and yank him out the door.
15 4 / 2012
Julie and I are walking in the mall, doing a bit of shopping.
“Oh, can we stop in here a quick sec?” Julie asks me.
“But you said that was the last one!” I remind her, and she gives me a pouty face.
“Alright, you go in quickly, and I’ll stay out here.” She smiles at her success and casually walks into the store while I take a seat on the bench. I pull out my phone and begin to check my messages, when I look up and see a familiar face through the crowd. I can’t believe my eyes. It’s Zayn.
I jump up and ditch my stuff on the ground. I start running towards him, and he runs too. We meet up and I jump into his outstretched arms. He holds me and leans down to whisper into my ear.
“My beautiful,” he says. I’m so happy, and I can’t help thinking, this is where I belong.
* * * * *
My head is pounding. My heart is beating ten times faster than it should be. My brain isn’t working properly. What happened? I think. But I know the answer almost immediately. Zayn.
I had another dream. How long will this last? But I can’t think straight. I guess it will last until he can hold me one more time, and call me beautiful again. Or that would just make it worse. I need to be able to depend on him, to know that he can hold me whenever I need him to. After that, all of my dreams and nightmares will be over.
That thought sets me off into another round of tears. How high are my chances of actually becoming close with Zayn? Little to none. Great.
Suddenly Julie bursts into the room.
“Wake up sleepy head!” She yells.
I groan. Giving her my spare apartment key was the worst idea ever.
I turn over and stuff my face into my pillow, but it’s no use. She yanks me until I’m in a sitting position and stands there with the biggest grin on her face.
“What do you want, Julie?” I grumble, angry that I can’t go back to sleep.
“ONE DIRECTION LANDED IN LONDON LAST NIGHT!” She screams, “AND WE HAVE TICKETS TO THEIR SHOW TOMORROW!”
She pulls out two strips of paper and flashes them in my face. I can’t speak.
“We have to get ready!” She explains, “we are going to find them!”
Finally I feel something building up inside of me. I’m starting to take it all in. Zayn Malik is in London. I live in London. I am going to see him and the band in concert. I am going to find them.
I barely make it to my pillow before the screams are released from inside of me. I scream into the pillow until I can’t breathe. I look up and see that Julie is in my closet, picking out an outfit for me.
Thank goodness, I think. I am terrible at picking out outfits, and I need to look my best for Zayn.
Once I’ve changed, Julie pulls me out the door.
“We’ve got a long day of hunting ahead of us.”
09 4 / 2012
By the time I reach the women’s room, my mascara is running down my face. I crouch against the wall and cover my face with my hands. I’m sure that my sobs can be heard from the other side of the door, but I don’t care.
I have no way of telling how much time has passed when the door bursts open.
“Kelly, what are you doing in here!?” Julie yells. I can tell she’s angry, but after she sees how much of a mess I am, she shows a bit more sympathy.
“What happened?” She says softly, slowly making her way towards me.
Yet again, I don’t feel like talking.
“Let’s just go, ‘kay?” I mutter, standing up and walking to the mirror.
I begin to wash my face and fix up my hair a bit as she tries to figure out what happened to me.
When we get into Julie’s black Honda, I realize just how late it really is. Judging by how tired I am, I assume it’s somewhere between one o’clock and two o’clock. As we drive in silence, I try to figure out in my head if James has any way of contacting me. By the time Julie drops me off at my apartment, I am so tired that all I can do is hope he doesn’t.
06 4 / 2012
We walk into the club, and I am immediately overwhelmed by the number of people that are there.
“There’s a lot of people here,” I tell Julie, already regretting my decision to go along with this.
“Good. Better chance of you finding a great guy. Now go mingle,” she replies, already on her way towards a guy that caught her eye.
I sigh. I’m not great at mingling, I always end up going shy. I can do this, I convince myself. For Julie. Surprisingly, I walk straight up to a cute brunette without even thinking about what I’m doing.
“Hey,” he says to me.
I force out a hello and we immediately hit the dance floor. I’m not a great dancer, and I think he lost interest in me. He carefully made his way over to another girl, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the dance floor.
He left so quickly, I begin to doubt myself.
I am I really a good enough dancer to be here? Do I even look good in this dress?
I shake it off and start heading over to grab a drink. I glance over my shoulder, and realize there’s a guy across the room, staring at me. Don’t even bother, I tell myself and keep walking away from him. I’m almost there when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around and there he is. He must’ve followed me.
“I’m James,” he tells me.
“Kelly,” I reply.
His eyes are a beautiful blue and his hair is shaggy and blonde.
“Let me buy you a drink,” I can’t help but accept his offer.
We talk for a bit and get to know each other. He’s really sweet and I start to realize that he may be the one. But I have to keep pushing Zayn to the back of my mind.
When he asks me what kind of music I listen to, I can’t answer. I think about One Direction, ever since I got that hug from Zayn, I’ve been obsessing over them and their music.
I look down, and he can tell that I don’t want to answer. It feels like Zayn is standing right behind me now, disapproving of what I’m doing. We sit in silence for a while, but he won’t stop staring at me. I try my best to avoid eye contact, and at the same time I have to keep pushing the tears back.
“You’re beautiful, you know,” he tells me. That’s all it takes for me to lose it and run out the door.
04 4 / 2012
“Nothing’s working.” I mutter under my breath as I slide into the booth across from Julie at Ronnie’s, the diner we sometimes like to go to for breakfast on Saturdays.
“What do you mean?” she asks cheerfully, grabbing a menu.
“You know exactly what I mean. I need him. I just… just…” I can’t exactly explain why I need him. I just know I do. Maybe I need him to tell me I’m beautiful again. Or maybe I need him to hold me one more time, making me feel safe and protected once again. But Julie would never understand it. She never needs anyone without being able to have them, she simply gets them. She can have any boy she wants just by snapping a finger. Sometimes I wonder why and how we became best friends if we are so different.
“Kelly, you don’t need him,” she tells me for the millionth time. “Any guy can tell you you’re beautiful and hug you.”
“Ya, but any guy is not someone as important as Zayn Malik, who sees thousands of girls every day and probably doesn’t even bat an eyelash at them.” I fight back.
She gives up. ”You know what? I’m going to take you out tonight, and you’re going to meet an amazing guy who will tell you you’re beautiful every 10 minutes and hold you as much as you need him to.”
I sigh. There is no way of changing her mind once she’s made a decision.